In the land of ancient times, warriors and drag queens, there was one fishmonger that hawked above them all. She was brave…when people weren’t looking. She was true…when she wasn’t talking. She was very beautiful…in the dark. And they called her… “Hey you, that fish doesn’t look fresh!”….Otherwise known as Finnian Kestrel.
They were hard times. Times of woe, sorrow, and dating sailors that weren’t there in the morning. Her mother hated her, the camel chewed on her hair (it wasn’t even her camel!), and her father was one prospect out of forty-five (and a half…midget). Then one day, in a fit of excellence and awesomeness, she decided: “Hell with this.”
Then some other stuff happened. Then some more stuff. And finally, some really COOL stuff. Um…so, yeah. Her adventures were amazing. They were like Robinson Crusoe meets Zoolander meets Muppet Treasure Island meets Saturday Night Fever. And they were EPIC. The end!
…Just kidding! So after that she was like, “Hey, selling these stinky fish…stinks.” Then there were some pirates and she was like, “OMFG! I could do that!” So she was like, “So um hey, did you know I am THE princess of the orient??” and QuickHands was like, “Word?” and she was like “Word.”
The rest was history that no one wrote down or remembered.
PS: True story.
PPS: The short version: Finn is insane and should never be allowed to write her own biography. We apologize, and the ones responsible have been keelhauled.