Pirates for Sail

 Episode 2:

  According to the Wikipedia Columbia, Md. is “a planned community that consists of ten self-contained villages.” “Opened in 1967, Columbia was designed to not only eliminate the inconveniences of then-current subdivision design……” According to the Google listing, “The Mall in Columbia Offers Columbia’s Top Shopping Experience.”  This is where “we” decided to make our public debut.

   Now, if I had seen what those lubbers in that parking lot saw as we began our trek, I would have immediately wanted to know what they were doing and….. can I do it too? Nope. It amazes me still how the vast majority in this town would rather take their chances in traffic in order to get across the street (or the other side of the bay) before they got too close. If they did have to cross our path, there was no eye contact, at all. They wouldn’t have a chance of tripping over their own feet cause their eyes and half their body would be bent down looking at them rather than having to look at us. It still happens today, even though our dress is a bit more convincing. We now carry pouches, haversacks, cutlasses, black powder and the firearms it goes in, knives and daggers, belaying pins and treasure chests. (Note: black powder weapons are not illegal to own or carry as long as they are not loaded).

  We did have an agenda. My son worked at a mobile phone kiosk which was located about 40 feet from the entrance. He was on the phone for a customer who was standing there waiting as she spotted us first. Then…he saw us. There was no controlling the reaction even though he was on the phone as I sauntered up to him in my best drunk pirate swagger, ,cocked my head to one side and said the only piratical thing I could conjure up, “you look somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?” As he put the phone call on hold and his customer hysterically doubled over in absolute glee, mall security was approaching to escort us out on the grounds that we were “disturbing” patrons. Mmmm, things haven’t changed much.

   During all this time I of course I insisted on “practices”. This would simply mean that we would dress in our “garb” and do “piratical” things while grilling outside of our apartment that we lived in at the time. “Piratical” things included drinking rum and playing with civil war period pistols and swords purchased in none other than Gettysburg of course!

   Since we’re on  that we’re on that subject, I must say that I did find evidence that pirates did invade the town of Gettysburg a place where of course the bloodiest battles of the Civil War was fought. In a letter written by Samuel L. Holt to Governor Z.B. Vance of North Carolina, he charged that “this country has sent many & true men to this piratical war.” I thought it was an appropriate place for us. So donned in my short leather boots and our costume store wigs, we pervaded the territory again.

Ooops, you’ll have to wait now for Episode 3!

The tale of Pirates for Sail is quite extraordinary, or so I am told. In fact, it was not only extraordinary it was, exceptional, stupendous, remarkable, wondrous and grand, as well as unlikely, improbable and unbelievable. I would know, I was there, I am the Captain.

Our story begins in April of the year two thousand and five.. The same year that Johnny Depp made piracy the preferred profession for the 21st century, I was about to embark on the most ridiculous excursions I had ever conjured up. I wanted to be a pirate captain, if only in my own mind (that really shouldn’t be allowed to wander out on its own), and the fact that I was nearing 50 and most likely would not be swinging through anybody’s rigging any time in the near or far future would not dissuade me from my goal.

If some people are driven to excess, then at times I must be a Nascar driver. When the option was offered to me by my family and friends to do whatever crazy inane adventure I wanted on that day that is reserved for the most honorable of professions, the celebration of mothers, that day we so affectionately refer to as…”Mother’s Day” They knew I was prone to moments of insanity and I saw my opportunity. I said to my husband (who was not yet my husband), “Dear, I want to go down to Baltimore Inner Harbor and go sailing on this really big clipper ship they have there, and let’s take Jim (and his girlfriend at the time) … (long pause as I take stock his reaction and how I can add the coup de gras when I say) …”and I want to go dressed as pirates, and Jim can take his guitar.” Another long pause as Tim takes stock of his horror and the facts and the knowledge that we will probably do this anyway and simply says, “I don’t think so.”

 The die was cast. We were going. I never doubted what we would. I must admit to the humiliating antics that I “encouraged” my husband and dear friends to endure. I coerced, blackmailed, manipulated and guilted them, explaining how unfair it would be if they denied me my Mother’s Day wish. Before the fateful day arrived, I prepared. Providing us all with such fine garb as ski pants (teal green), flowered vests (for the men), civil war belts and pinned down cowboy hats, along with a bodice and skirt I had from a renaissance faire a couple of years before. We consumed some liquid /herbal courage and advanced on the local golf course. I felt like the pied piper as we stealthily executed our attack on the 9th hole, and not the least bit concerned that we looked slightly conspicuous in our bright clothing and loud greetings of “Ahoy, avast and aye captain” (my personal favorite to this day) as we frolicked (yes, we frolicked) on the moonlit green.

 Join me next time as we take our first prize…Columbia Mall and the beginning of the pressgang…..