Pirates for Sail

 Episode 2:

  According to the Wikipedia Columbia, Md. is “a planned community that consists of ten self-contained villages.” “Opened in 1967, Columbia was designed to not only eliminate the inconveniences of then-current subdivision design……” According to the Google listing, “The Mall in Columbia Offers Columbia’s Top Shopping Experience.”  This is where “we” decided to make our public debut.

   Now, if I had seen what those lubbers in that parking lot saw as we began our trek, I would have immediately wanted to know what they were doing and….. can I do it too? Nope. It amazes me still how the vast majority in this town would rather take their chances in traffic in order to get across the street (or the other side of the bay) before they got too close. If they did have to cross our path, there was no eye contact, at all. They wouldn’t have a chance of tripping over their own feet cause their eyes and half their body would be bent down looking at them rather than having to look at us. It still happens today, even though our dress is a bit more convincing. We now carry pouches, haversacks, cutlasses, black powder and the firearms it goes in, knives and daggers, belaying pins and treasure chests. (Note: black powder weapons are not illegal to own or carry as long as they are not loaded).

  We did have an agenda. My son worked at a mobile phone kiosk which was located about 40 feet from the entrance. He was on the phone for a customer who was standing there waiting as she spotted us first. Then…he saw us. There was no controlling the reaction even though he was on the phone as I sauntered up to him in my best drunk pirate swagger, ,cocked my head to one side and said the only piratical thing I could conjure up, “you look somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?” As he put the phone call on hold and his customer hysterically doubled over in absolute glee, mall security was approaching to escort us out on the grounds that we were “disturbing” patrons. Mmmm, things haven’t changed much.

   During all this time I of course I insisted on “practices”. This would simply mean that we would dress in our “garb” and do “piratical” things while grilling outside of our apartment that we lived in at the time. “Piratical” things included drinking rum and playing with civil war period pistols and swords purchased in none other than Gettysburg of course!

   Since we’re on  that we’re on that subject, I must say that I did find evidence that pirates did invade the town of Gettysburg a place where of course the bloodiest battles of the Civil War was fought. In a letter written by Samuel L. Holt to Governor Z.B. Vance of North Carolina, he charged that “this country has sent many & true men to this piratical war.” I thought it was an appropriate place for us. So donned in my short leather boots and our costume store wigs, we pervaded the territory again.

Ooops, you’ll have to wait now for Episode 3!

I have long held that most blogs are just ego trips for the authors. Who reads them but for a handful of the author’s friends? But my Drunken Ferret crewmates have prevailed upon me to join the crew blogging–not to be confused with flogging, although I suspect that’s what would await me if I did not start blogging…on the other hand, if the flogging were being dispensed by any of the women aboard ship, perhaps that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But I digress.

In any event, thus begins the Chanteyman’s Chronicles. Where to begin? Hmm. Perhaps a look back and a look forward would be in order.

Seventeen-ought-nine ’twas a proverbial banner year for Pirates for Sail (PfS). We released our second CD, Band on the Rum, to much critical acclaim (okay, there were a couple of lukewarm huzzahs), and so far Sir Paul has not sued us. Did I mention it’s available on both CDBaby and iTunes?

We made stealth appearances at the Fells Point Privateer Day in April, singing at the dock to celebrate the first anniversary of the christening of the Urban Pirates’ ship, the Fearless, and later being invited on stage to perform with our good friends the Brigands (there’s also a story about Bertha’s mussels and a very sick Gute: see below); we appeared for our second year at the Virginia Renaissance Festival (VARF) in May, an oppressively hot Rock Hall Pirates and Wenches Fantasy Weekend in August, and the cool and windy Long Island Pirate Festival in September; and we made raids on private parties on the Potomac, at Vane Brothers in Baltimore, and at the Chesapeake Maritime Museum in St. Michael’s. We closed the year by splitting the crew in half (not literally, but there’s an idea for next year) on New Years Eve, with half doing a show at Piratz Tavern and the other half performing at Oglebay Resort in Wheeling WV. (That’s a whole ‘nuther story.) Huzzah for us!

And 1710 is shaping up to be as busy. We’ll be continuing our weekly appearances at Piratz Tavern in beautiful downtown Silver Spring, MD. Please come out and see us every Friday night.

Although we’re disappointed we won’t be back at VARF this year (therein lies a long, sordid tale involving stout ale, the Queen’s greyhounds, and a midget with a very long cutlass), and we’re sad to report that the Long Island Pirate Festival will not happen this year, we do have many appearances booked, and more in the works.

First up, PfS will be skulking about the Fells Point Privateer Day once again, Saturday April 10, singing in the bar at Bertha’s in the afternoon and wherever the hell else we damn well feel like it. In March, we made the first of what we hope will be many appearances at the Chesapeake Roller Derby in Westminster, Maryland. We’ll be back there again Saturday June 5.

August 13-15, we’ll invade the 3rd annual Rock Hall Pirates and Wenches Fantasy Weekend, performing with our friends the Brigands and the Pyrates Royale. The following weekend, we’ll cruise down to the Richmond, VA, area for a gig at the Chesterfield Library, Saturday August 21. We’re also looking at returning to the Unicity Performing Arts Festival in Saulisbury, MD, in September, and possibly heading up to New York State this summer to appear at some venues with our cohorts, Ye Pyrate Brotherhood.

Finally, Saturday October 16, we’ve been invited to raid the Toms River Pyrate Festival in, surprisingly, Toms River, New Jersey, where we plan on joining with the crew of Captain Charles Black and Valhalla’s Pirates for a day of plunderin’ and music.

Before I close this long-winded epistle, let me urge you to attend the Ft. Frederick Market Fair, April 22-25 (that’s Thursday thru Sunday) at historic Ft. Frederick in Big Pool, MD (near Hagerstown). You’ll find tons of fun stuff if you’re into living history and historical reenactment during the American Colonial period, French and Indian Wars, Revolution, age of pyracy, etc.

Eat Bertha’s Mussels
They’re the best there is, by far
You can eat them in the dining room
And throw up beside your car
Whenever you’re in Baltimore
And you’d like to throw up in the street
Eat Bertha’s mussels
Just don’t throw up upon your feet

It was a long and sometimes very damp weekend, but the crew ran loose at VARF and got to perform for pirates, peasants, merchants, nobles and Queens alike! Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth I even made us Minstrels to the Queen herself! Though official minstrels or not, we shall always be Her Majesty’s Privateers for Sail.

Ye old shoutouts must go to Letter of Marque, Son of Strum, The Pyrates Royale, Calico Jenny and the Shire minstrels fer their bloody brilliant performances!

What we learned:

• Geese are the pirates of the avian world, because they’ll attack ye and steal yer booty.
• We can make the Queen cry and not get hung…twice!
• Meteorologists should be keelhauled.
• No one expects the Ferret Inquisition!
• The proper Wild Rover callback:
  “And it’s no, nay, neveeeeeer!”
  “TAKE! OFF! YOUR! PANTS!”
  “No nay never, no moooore!”
  “YOUR PANTS!”
  “Will I plaaaaay the Wild Roveeeer!”
  “OH GOD PUT ‘EM BACK ON!”
  “No neveeeer, no mooooore!”
• Gute’s bologna has a first name…
• Jimmy Buffett has “Parrotheads”, but we have “Ferretheads”!
• There is no such thing as too much bacon.
• Ye never have the cash to buy hundreds of ping-pong balls when ye really want to.