Pirates for Sail

Ninjas vs. Pirates and Pirates vs Earthquakes

Flint Locke — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 02:01:16 +0000

Bilge rats, scallywags, harlots…lend me your eyes! Or, as in the case of Mike, your eye.

…Do you like my new sophisticated writing? Teach was kind enough to give me some lessons in something called literacy, so at least now I can pretend to be a scholar every so often! You know…when being scholarly seems exciting. Skippy insists that it’s not boring, however I’ve found that my eyes tend to glaze over and I start thinking about shinies whenever he tries to explain whatever it is he used to do.

But I digress.

Let me first remind you all of the “Pirates for Hispaniola” charity pub sing at Piratz Tavern this Saturday, the 6th of March, beginning at 7:00PM. Hours of music, mayhem and not being able to move 3 steps without running into a maritime asset relocation specialist for only a suggested donation to Haiti relief. Bloody hell, a large gathering of pirates being charitable?! You should come solely for the fact that it may be a once-in-a-lifetime observance!

Following that, on Sunday, March 7th, we pirates do battle with our (apparently) mortal enemies: the ninjas! From 1:30 to 4:00PM, ninja clans and pirate fleets will descend upon the National Mall in Washington D.C. to wage all-out war! With some kind of game tournaments. Either way, all pirates and, I cannot believe I’m saying this, all ninjas are welcome… Also, for some reason there’s a no-weapons policy. Because apparently they think that hundreds of pirates and ninjas wielding katanas and pistols in the center of a bloody tourist hotspot is a BAD IDEA. Can’t imagine why… Anyway, all the information you need is here (aside from the date, since it was changed to the 7th due to the bleeding Snowpocalypse): Pirates vs. Ninjas.

Hmph. As if we don’t know who’s going to win.

Accept no substitutes.

Fast Fingers — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:52:08 +0000

Over the years where I’ve worn the attire of a pirate to make it easier for otherwise committed wenches to fall down at m’feet, I have often found myself mistaken for a certain other pirate celebrity. That man shall for now remain nameless, but rest assured there is about as much in common between my appearance and his as there is between fine Irish whiskey and a red table wine. I’d say a Spanish galleon favors a French brigantine (as it appears after having been blown out of the water for lack of ability to find and raise their whites fast enough) more than I look like this man. Still, the general voting public calls out his name frequently when looking upon me. Why do I raise this point? After all, we pirates are called out on a regular basis when traveling, most often by landlubbers cruising in their land conveyances who only associate our noble profession with the shouted letter “R.” I raise this point because I, Bryan McCrae, have determined why it is that we are so often mistaken for certain Disney characters.

The public is willing to accept the lesser evil as a pirate.

So, Internet, with a roguish heart and a whiskey-craving stomach, I say unto you in the words of my uncle: Accept no substitutes!” The pirates in your life are the genuine article, complete with piratical injuries, piratical egos, and in some cases, piratical body odor! We need not be compared to those pretenders of the enchanted picture box, for there should be no comparison! Why, Black Dog Nate’s beard could singlehandedly destroy the entire fleet of the illusory East India Company, while defeating the Kraken and saving a score of lasses far less androgynous than those so fervently sought by foppish protagonists!

Good people, bad people, and Englishmen, all I ask of you is this- when you see a pirate on the street, recognize him for the treasure he is! Praise him with kind words of welcome, or regard him with the respect and fear he so readily deserves! If you receive no response to the first, then clearly the second is appropriate! If you are greeted warmly in kind, offer him a drink and some bonny company! And if, by some chance, you happen upon a pirate wench, RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION WITH THE GREATEST POSSIBLE HASTE!

The tally is in.

Black Dog Nate — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:26:53 +0000

I just received word from CD Baby. The money they raised for Haiti relief amounts to…

$23,498.

Not a bad haul for a bunch of landlubbers. Thanks to you lot for buying our CDs and helping ‘em out.

Of merchants and thieves

Flint Locke — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:28:43 +0000

About ready t’go have a small “talk” (only with less talkin’ ‘n more fisticuffs) with a certain corset-maker from the not-so-good ship E-Bay that I commissioned some months back who has yet to deliver… I do believe that grants me one courtesy shot.

On the bright side, if all goes well I should have some lovely new boots sometime soon. If not, well…I cannot be blamed fer the consequences.

Pirates vs. Vampires

Fast Fingers — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 21:32:26 +0000

So I walked into a small room, buried in the catacombs of the vastness that is the New Carrollton Federal Building. It is in this place that I pass as pirate-at-large among the unsuspecting masses of my day-to-day employer. Well, not in that room specifically, that room was a special trip. You see, today brought to that room a legion of the second-worst scourge of the lands- vampires. The worst scourge is so terrible as not to be named, but the bitter rivalry and feud that brews between the kind piratical and the members of this honorless bunch of pajama-wearing nancies is well known to all who sail the seas of the Internets. Were I to face said scourge in single combat, the world would learn in short order why the fiddler focuses so intently on the music and the lasses- only those two, with the addition of whiskey, can hope to sate his rage. Still, today brought me toe-to-peg with the second-worst scourge, the vampire. They came to my place of employ with but one goal- to drain the place dry, one pint at a time. Did I face them? Yes. Did I defeat them? Yes! Their pint-draining attack was no match for the sheer volume of Irish whiskey in my blood. They even jokingly suggested I lay off the sauce for the evening, as in my “diminished condition,” I might have the alcohol tolerance of, say, the Reverend Doctor Skipford von Toumalou. What farce! What nonsense! The British speak truer things than that! Oh, wait, I’m feeling a bit dizzy… Is that Flint over there, or a boy with an artificial bosom? *staggers away*

Bilgemunky Likes Pirates For Sail

Black Dog Nate — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:36:02 +0000

Pirate blogger and podcaster extraordinaire Bilgemunky gave us his stamp of approval last week. It seems that a listener wanted to hear “Mingulay Boat Song,” so ol’ Bilge picked our rendition to fulfill the request! If you’d like some proof, here’s the setlist. Download the MP3 of the podcast here. We show up at just about exactly the one-hour mark.

And incidentally, if any of you scoundrels feel like sending Bilgemunky a message to say you’d like him to play more of us, we wouldn’t complain. He does like bribes, though.

Past accomplishments, present madness, and up-and-coming lunacy

Fast Fingers — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:38:15 +0000

So this weekend past I accomplished two most noble life goals. Goal one came in the form of taking the especially bonny, especially glorious, especially lascivious web-wench home from the Tavern. Did I give her a ride? Count on it. Did she thank me after, and extend the invitation to do it again at some future date and time? Count on that too. Did she ask me to come back and see her again later on in the weekend? OH yes. This leads to goal two.

Goal two came in the form of the especially bonny, especially glorious, especially lascivious web-wench inviting me into her most private bedroom, wherein I did, and with full knowledge and intent of the act to be performed, take her to her bed. With her husband, unsuspecting, in the next room! It’s good to be the Fiddler. The world may never know or fully appreciate the mysteries and glories beheld by me that day, in that room, in such singular company as hers. It is, truly, good to be the fiddler.

Today it was my civic duty to present myself down in the fair City of Anna to sit upon the panel of jurors. These American rights, so inconvenient for a visiting pirate. Needless to say, I escaped the sentence prematurely through a cunning mixture of craft, resource, and convenient timing. The jury commissioner’s gender helped a bit as well. The lasses, they can nae resist the Fiddler’s charms. Shirking civic duties while giving a civil servant a lesson in true… civil servitude… life goal achieved.

Later on, I learned of an alternate place on this great, wide Internets wherein the people gather to worship and appreciate us pirates even more than here! That place- freepirateporn.com Facebook. That’s right, the Fiddler is on Facebook. Commence with the cyber-wenching!

And in the vein of wenching, I’ll be at Tavern for the next few weeks! Lasses, come out and be entertained! Or wenched. Or mayhaps even seduced. That works too.

A landlocked weekend

Flint Locke — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 02:40:03 +0000

…Otherwise known as “Flint Goes to Ohio Fer Some Reason”.

T’was probably a bout of madness that caused it, but I braved the cold and gray to walk among thousands of strangely dressed people fer three days, though to my surprise I found several of my pirate brethren in attendance at this ritualistic gathering.

Also managed to partake of some music by one Sir Jonathan Coulton of (New) York. (He happens to sing a catchy tune about animated gray matter-devourin’ corpses that the crew’s quite fond of.)

And, bein’ a self-respectin’ pirate, I made sure to at least steal a part of his soul before I left.

A good weekend if I do say so m’self!

The Chronicles of the Fiddler

Fast Fingers — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 15:30:41 +0000

Be it known far and wide that even in this time of great tragedy in the world, the Fiddler is still king.

The evidence for this began with the first exploits of one Bryan McCrae, born a little over a quarter-century ago in the Mecca of the whiskey world that is County Cork. The tales of his travels and triumphs could span the length of the Internet itself, so we will focus on more recent additions to the legend of the Fiddler. More specifically, the evening of Friday last.

The place for these auspicious events was none other than Piratz Tavern, wherein a great many goodly people gather to share in the ultimate joy of food, drink, and fine music. The son of clan McCrae ventured there, as it often his habit, after a two-week respite, to reclaim the former glories vested on him by the great goddess Brighid, his matron.

Alright, so I’ve been reading Homer again. You try reading The Iliad and not find yourself spoutin’ forth with verse poetic. In any case, let us continue the tale in a manner slightly less “epic.”

So I’m at Tavern, enjoyin’ myself, puttin’ forth the best of musics piratical we’ve offered in quite some time, and it occurs to me that the hour of nine draws near and we’ve not even finished our first set. That’s right, as bonny Flint said, we spent an hour and a half in the front. I think we ended up only doing two sets that night- one forward and one back. The crowd was one of the best I’ve seen, particularly in that it was rife with the scourge of many a Friday evening- unaccompanied lasses! I call such a bountiful gift from the powers above a scourge because it evidences a serious problem with the men in this land- there aren’t enough of them, leaving the fiddler to clean up the mess! Yes, this vast burden of lechery and wenching falls upon my shoulders. Fortunately, the fiddle has made them strong and able, with an iron will to match. There I go on my own epic again.

With table after table of bonny lasses shouting “MacIntyre” and stuffing all manner of currency into my breeches (I love this job), I call the evening a success. Let us only hope that tonight will bring as much joy, luck, and craft.

The day following brought an activity called “ice skating,” where one fixes sharp blades of steel to his boots and glides about on a frozen surface. I enjoyed that much immensely, though the near-misses with small children who can’t seem to pay attention to the other people out on the ice with them… Let’s just say I failed as a ruthless pirate, because I didn’t kill anyone.

Yet.

But Flint didn’t kill anyone either, and she actually tries after the reputation of ruthless and bloodthirsty! I’m a lover, not a killer!

Well, so maybe I’m a killer too, but a man can be a balance!

Help Haiti… By Buying Our CDs!

Black Dog Nate — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 15:03:48 +0000

I’m turning this post over to the good folks at CD Baby, who do such a stand-up job selling our music online:

The earthquake and its aftermath in Haiti have touched all of our lives. Many in the CD Baby family have already contributed as individuals, but we wanted to do more to help the victims of the horrible earthquake tragedy.

Starting on Monday, January 25th and continuing for two weeks, we will donate $1 of our cut from every CD sale through our website, and $1 from every download sale over $8.99 on our site, to the American Red Cross and to Mercy Corps, a Portland-based relief organization with a large presence in Haiti. With your help, we hope to raise tens of thousands of dollars.

That’s it, really. If you buy one of our discs, or a disc by one of the thousands of other fine artists on CD Baby, $1 for each CD will go straight to Haiti relief. Sounds good for all involved.