A Drunken Ferret Christmas Carol

Okay, so I’ll jump on the bandwagon too and share my own pyratical Christmas tale:

(Lyrics by Steve Boehm; tune: Good King Wenceslas, traditional)

Captain Molly Mudd look’d out on her crew of Pyrates
Christmas plunder was in doubt, they had no Gold to buy it
“Come me Hardies, don’t be glum, we’ll go out and pillage
“We’ll find Silver, Gold, and Rum in every coastal Village”

They weigh’d anchor and set sail for the Inner Harbor
Guns a-blazin’ from the rails, at both port and starboard
Made they such a fearsome noise, no one dare’d to stop ’em
“Come, let’s go a-shore now, boys, and do our Christmas shoppin’”

As the Pyrate horde advanc’d, shopkeepers did tremble
Buildings burn’d and windows smash’d as Buccaneers assembl’d
Many tried to call them off, they begg’d and tried to reason
But at them the Brigands scoff’d—’twas the plund’rin’ season

Loudly did the Town lament, “Can nobody save us?
“For these Pyrates we resent—who here is the bravest?

“What would make them sail away, and in peace, pray, leave us?
“For their drunken, plund’rous ways sorely vex and grieve us”

Then there came a man, ’tis said, One-Eye’d Nick the Jolly
Crimson clad from toe to head, he call’d on Captain Molly
“Pray now, may I come aboard? Let us sit and parley
“We shall come to some Accord, just in time for Christmas Day”

“Come we seeking Christmas gifts, ’tis the Season’s Treasure
“Christmas Day approaches swift, and Pyrates ask their measure
“This here be our Christmas List, we pray you will deliver
“If you fill this Christmas wish, we’ll sail down the River

“Cable and some canvas Sails, so our Ship won’t flounder
“And new Cannons at the rail, a pair of 16-pounders
“Powder and some English flints, so we can fire our Pistols
“Carpenters to patch our rents, and wenches fresh from Bristol

“Cutlasses and treasure maps and our own Jolly Roger
“Pyrate boots and tricorn hats, if it be no bother
“Five and 20 casks of Rum, and caviar Beluga
“And a perhaps a winter Home, somewhere on Tortuga”

Jolly One-Eye’d Nick agree’d to fill the Pyrates’ Wish
All the Pyrate booty he deliver’d to their Ship
In a Christmas fog so thick, the Pyrates sail’d away
And the Town cheer’d Jolly Nick, for Shanty Claus had sav’d the Day

Learn this Lesson well, boys, in this Season full of Wonder
At this time of Christmas Joy, it’s all about the Plunder
Therefore, Buccaneers, be sure, though fair or foul the Weather
In this Season, pillaging binds Pyrate Hearts together