T’was the Drunken Ferrets’ Night Before Christmas

T’was the night before X-Mas and all through the ‘Ferret,
Not a crewman was sober, not even the parrot.
The hammocks were hung for to help some to snore,
Though it mattered not, most were passed out on the floor.

The Captain, however, awake though unhindered,
Decided to stay on the deck and so lingered,
With Last Mate and Stringalong and a barrel of brandy,
Coming up with a battle plan which they all found dandy.

“Captain Nick,” said our leader, “That bastard will pay!
He’ll give us his treasure or we’ll blow him away!
On my honor as Captain, on my oath, on my creed,
He’ll surrender our presents, he’ll surrender, indeed!”

Not a moment had passed when with a crash the ship lurched,
And knocked poor old Stringalong off the rail he’d been perched.
As he splashed in the water Captain sprung to her feet,
Crying “Our enemy’s arrived! Tim, ready my fleet!”

“Ye’ve got but one ship, dear,” The Late Mate explained,
Then watched as the color from Captain’s cheeks drained.
“I knew that!” she stammered, then whistle she blew,
“Our ship’s been attacked! Where the hell is my crew?!”

“Oi One-Eye, Dogg, Morgann, Chant√©, Finn and Skippy,
Hey Black Dog, Gute, Red Jack, Flint, Rackham, and Annie!
Tell Lassie and Misty to ready their fire,
Then get all yer weapons, we’ve gifts to acquire!”

In an instant the wooden boat creaked and it clattered,
And the drunken crew stumbled to see what was the matter,
“It’s not Nick,” said Lassie as above deck she bound,
“The prow’s in the sand, Cap, the ship’s run aground!”

“Again?” muttered One-Eye as he sadly sheathed Blinky,
“Didn’t we sink Nick?” asked Gute, scratching head with a pinky.
“…Oh, right,” said the Captain, now feeling a bit dim.
“Well…someone should probably go fish out Jim.”

Despite the “small” setbacks the crew had their cheer,
And talked of the presents they’d buy themselves the next year.
When from the deep they thought they heard Captain Nick yell,
“F*** all of you pirates, I’ll see you in hell!”

Merry Ferret X-Mas!